Mentoring is not coaching, advising or consulting. So, what’s the difference?

>>> Coaching

A coach is someone who helps a client achieve their goals, and this is often coupled with learning outcomes and part of their role is to keep the mentee accountable.

>>> Consulting

A consultant provides expert opinions, analysis, and recommendations to organisations or individuals, based on their own expertise. They’re essentially fixers, serving as objective troubleshooters, and providing strategies to prevent problems and improve performance.

>>> Mentoring

For the uninitiated, the terms “mentor” and “mentee” may set up the expectation that mentoring is a one-way street. But we know from experience that a better way to look at mentoring is as a shared transformational experience.

>>> Shared

We’ve been in this game for a while and find there are four common reasons why mentorships sometimes don’t get off the ground.

>>>Lack of commitment

This is the number one reason mentorships don’t succeed. Mentees must be committed to the process, and actively “opt-in.” They will miss out on the benefits of mentoring if they are unable to commit to the relationship, or there is some resistance to fully engaging in it. Sometimes this can happen if potential mentees are pressured into mentoring by external stakeholders (such as a board director or direct report). This often surfaces in behaviour such as repetitive cancelled appointments, disjointed conversations or not taking responsibility for following up with their mentor. Mentees who are committed and motivated will take responsibility for driving the relationship and have the most to gain.

>>>Unsuitable match

Making great matches is the key to success. If the chemistry isn’t there, or the pair struggle to gain trust and rapport, the mentorship will grind to a halt. Sometimes it can be difficult for mentors and mentees to be honest about this with us or each other if the match isn’t working. If you’re struggling to find a good rhythm, reach out and let us know! We’ve seen all sorts of scenarios and can help get things back on track.

>>>Lack of confidence

Mentees can sometimes be reluctant to contact their mentor for support if they feel like their mentor is too busy. This may be an indication of the mentee being intimidated by the mentor or lacking a sense a self-worth in their mentorship. It’s important to know that this goes both ways, and our mentors are also actively opting-in. They get involved because they want to help and get lots out of it too.

>>>Bad timing

Introduction

Strong mentorship relies on meaningful conversation and genuine connection. These seven questions, adapted from psychotherapist Esther Perel’s work on workplace relationships, can help mentors and mentees move beyond surface-level discussions to build trust, belonging, recognition, and collective resilience.

The Questions

“What brings out the best in you?”

Invites self-reflection and reveals what motivates and supports your mentee. This insight helps you offer feedback and create conditions where they can thrive.

“What skill do you wish you got to use more?”

Uncovers hidden talents and aspirations. This can point to growth areas and skills that may benefit both the mentee and the organisation.

“When is it difficult for you to ask for help?”

Explores vulnerability and collaboration. This question helps identify barriers to growth that might otherwise remain hidden.

“What does your inner critic love to say?”

Creates space for vulnerability and psychological safety. Understanding your mentee’s self-limiting beliefs enables more focused support.

“What’s an important personal object you keep near you when you’re working?”

Brings personal context into the conversation, especially valuable in remote work. It helps humanise the relationship and strengthen connection.

“When did you last feel truly acknowledged by a colleague?”

Reveals how your mentee experiences recognition and belonging. This insight helps you better understand their values and what makes them feel seen.

“What’s a time that made you proud to work in your organisation?”

Explores purpose and meaning in their work. This helps identify what drives their sense of contribution and connection to the organisation.

How to Use These Questions

As a mentor, you shape the rhythm and depth of your conversations. Consider the following approaches:

• Introduce one or two questions per session to gradually deepen the relationship
• Share your own answers to model openness and vulnerability
• Listen deeply and without judgment, allowing time for thoughtful reflection
• Revisit and follow up on responses in future sessions
• Use the insights gained to adapt and personalise your mentoring approach

Tip: These questions require trust. Establish rapport before exploring more vulnerable topics.

Conclusion

Effective mentorship embraces the whole person, not just their professional role. By integrating these questions into your sessions, you foster a mentoring relationship that is rooted in connection, empathy, and meaningful growth.